Tag: satire sunday

Sunday, 18 February, 2024 – The nation’s economists have come together in one of their frequent displays of unity, calling on ordinary workers to sacrifice their jobs to fight inflation.

“To beat inflation, we require some people to lose their jobs. That’s a comms challenge right there,” said Sharon Zhuul-Nâr, economist for a bank that is a three-time winner of the “Most Rapacious” industry award. “We need to communicate just how selfish people with jobs are, and how they should lose them for the Greater Good.”

“It’s going to be pretty tough to curb the inflation rate without generating some hardship,” enthused economist Erich Clampdown.

“You’ve got to cause some pain. You’ve got to create some unemployment,” cheered Mark Blister, head of private wealth at Shûb-Nigurrath Investment Partners. “More paaaaain,” he added, which turned into a chant among the assembled delegates.

The economists were interviewed at their annual gathering, the F̶̖̫̀͜í̸̥̝ǹ̸̟̈́̕͜͜a̷̖̤̼͑͝n̸͈̈́c̸̝̣̰͗͌i̸͇͕͓͑ă̷̝ļ̸̭̊̐ ̷͖̀̕S̸̞̬͂e̴͓̗̙̐̈́̚ŕ̷̞̚v̴̤͎̋̀į̶̏͒c̴̤̘̃̀͗ë̴͓́̍̊s̴̭̥̠̋ ̸̛̳̝̓̿͜C̴͔̬͕̉̋̎ơ̸̙̟̌ǘ̴̋͜ͅñ̵̲̀̾c̷̹̲͠͠i̷̢̛̦̪l̵̞̠͊̓̋ ̶̢͇̈́Ç̶̭̿̓̔o̸̟̬̣͐n̸̰̺̂f̷͚͂͠e̴̱͎͈̔r̸̻̗͇͋e̴̡̍ņ̵͔̜̑͒̅c̸͙͓͕̽ȩ̵͍́ , where festivities traditionally conclude with a call to build the largest possible “Towering Bonfire of Human Misery.”

The economists said they were thrilled with the government’s progress on the Towering Bonfire to date, but they said the Reserve Bank could be doing much more to create misery, and they scolded the public for their selfish desire to be able to afford homes and buy food.

Asked if there was a contradiction implied by the Government’s plan to make unemployment benefits harder to access at the exact same time it was trying to increase unemployment, the economists said “of course not, that’s the point.”

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, who spoke to the confabulation of economists, agrees.

“I won’t apologise for tough love. All Kiwis, of course, have a right to support when times are tough. But with that right also comes responsibility. The responsibility to look for a job,” he said, “which you won’t be able to find, because we have simultaneously decided we will no longer risk higher inflation in the pursuit of unsustainably high employment. So what I’m saying is, not only do we want you to lose your job, but we want to make sure that you’re truly extra-miserable having done so.”

Perhaps feeling he had been too succinct, the Prime Minister quickly added “Going forward, key deliverables, KPIs, airline.”

This was cheered by the assembled economists, who chanted “Back On Track” and “The Dismal Science Demands Misery.”

A growing mob of people who variously described themselves as “normal” and “not into finding sociopathic excuses for cruelty and elite greed,” were assembling outside. Some held gardening implements, and others were on their smartphones, thoughtfully scrolling the results for Google searches like “guillotine materials Bunnings.” Asked for an opinion by this reporter, a spokesperson for the mob said that they didn’t see the need for the Towering Bonfire at all, and that perhaps if the economists did see such a need, they could volunteer to be first atop it.

The economists declined this suggestion. “Economists need their jobs, because where would the economy be without economists?” said Clampdown. “Why, without economists, there might not be a Towering Bonfire of Human Misery at all.”

“We accept that economics doesn’t always make mathematical or logical or even common sense,” agreed Zhuul-Nâr, “but the Towering Bonfire awaits, and people must be sacrifices.”

This reporter asked her if she’d actually meant to say “people must make sacrifices.”

“No,” Zhuul-Nâr said.

Sunday, 11 February – Police reported that 20 New Zealanders had lost their lives to gangs in the last week, in a tragedy that’s now all too familiar to exhausted New Zealanders.

“In the last week alone, 5555 people were harmed by gangs. 222 were hospitalised with gang-related injuries, and an average of 3 people a day were murdered by gangs,” said New Zealand Police spokesperson, Eustace Pidemio-Logist. Most of the victims were over 50, he said. “This brutality is ripping apart families. It’s robbing children of mothers, fathers, grandparents. It has to stop.”

Police complained that despite the solution to gangs being relatively straightforward, they were being denied the ability to take action.

However, politicians have refused to help, all but ignoring the violence that has killed 3788 New Zealanders since the gang warfare began in earnest. An early crackdown on gangs was credited with saving tens of thousands of lives, but political effort to stem the carnage has all but vanished in recent years.

“The fact is, gangs kill people, going forward,” said Prime Minister Christopher Luxon. “At the end of the day this great company – sorry, I mean country – has to learn to live with gangs. That’s our one key metric. NZ Inc is at capacity, but we have to cut to grow.”

When challenged that it seemed to be less about living with gangs than dying with gangs, given the appalling, ongoing death-toll, the Prime Minister made word-sounds with his mouth.

“Let’s circle back and reach out to check in on learnings. I used to run an airline,” the Prime Minister said, while walking rapidly backwards.

Gang skeptics have also weighed in, opining that no-one is ever actually killed by gangs, and that gangs don’t really exist.

“Everyone is saying that people died of gangs, or died with gangs, or something,” warbled a woman wearing a sarong, Crocs, and blonde dreadlocks, during a video she filmed while driving in heavy traffic. “But everyone knows it’s really Bill Gates that killed them.”

The video went on to suggest that gang violence was actually a conspiracy created by criminologists, in order to profit from “those sweet, sweet research dollars. Literal tens of research dollars. I’ve had enough of all these experts, with all their several dollars.” The video ended abruptly with the phone seemingly dropped, accompanied by a loud crunching sound. It had over eleven million views on TikTok.

In contrast, actual gang experts say the ongoing death toll from gangs is unacceptable. What is needed, the say, is for politicians to commit to effective security.

“Mass gang activity is quite easy to prevent,” said criminologist Susie Smart. “The main thing that needs to be done is install air purifiers in buildings that regularly host large numbers of people, like schools and hospitals. Gang members are typically too large to fit through a HEPA filter.”

Leaders needed to be willing to take action to prevent gang violence, the criminologist said, but it appeared that politicians preferred to ignore gangs altogether.

Individuals could not do much to avoid gang warfare, she added.

“Just make sure your anti-gang patches are up to date, wear a mask anywhere there are large numbers of people – and pray, if you’re so inclined.”

Ms Smart thanked this journalist for their efforts to rename “Covid-19” to “gangs.”

“If actual gangs were really killing 20 people a week and disabling tens of thousands every year, something might get done,” she said, with a brave smile. “Gangs kill far fewer Kiwis than Covid, by oh, about an order of magnitude. But for some reason, that doesn’t seem to matter.”